Parent coaches – why it’s important to be clear about what you’re doing to help

It’s Sunday morning and I’ve just dropped my 2 lads (17 and 11) up to the ‘astro’ at their high school so they can practise some football skills and there’s a dad with his son, who looks about 9 or 10, already there. I stayed in the car (no, it wasn’t raining!) while ‘other’ dad was out with the cones and fast-feet ladders and seemed from a distance to be well in charge of the session.

Which got me thinking. For parents to help their kids develop their skills, they need to be very clear about what they’re doing to help. For me this was …

I wanted to help my boys learn more about planning by asking them good questions and to get into the habit of taking responsibility for their own learning (a consistent theme in our house!). I didn’t ask ‘other’ dad because he looked like he didn’t want to be interrupted, but I wonder what he felt he was doing to help?

How can parents help their kids deal with outrageous sporting success?

Imagine your son or daughter has been selected for a squad, academy, or competition and they are absolutely over the moon. Things have been going exceptionally well and they are going through a spell where everything they touch turns to gold. This might seem like an easy situation for parents to deal with. Praise them, give them a hug make sure they phone their granny to tell them the good news!

But here’s what I would recommend in this situation. Say, “awesome, well done. What a fantastic opportunity”. And I’d want them to take some time to enjoy the feelings of satisfaction of having worked hard towards something they value. But the next day I would follow up with, “how can this opportunity help you develop the skills you need to achieve your goals?”. Why would I ask this question?  Because you are pleased. Your kids know you’re pleased. They like it when you’re pleased. But you don’t want them to think you will only be pleased when they do well. Sport won’t always bring outrageous success, things will go wrong.

Let them know you feel they deserve this opportunity and at the right time let them know what really makes you proud is when they learn as much as they can from the situation whatever happens next. Then make sure you follow up to ask what they’re learning as they progress. And if you really want to hammer the message home, give granny a quick ring first to make sure she does the same!

Aw, come on Ref!!! – why parents should never let these 4 words escape from their lips

Here’s an interesting question for you. Why do you think some parents shout at the referee when they watch their kids compete in sport? There could be several reasons – they feel their pride and joy has been treated unfairly or they’re desperate for ‘their’ team to win are just two. But here’s a more important question. What good does it do?

I’ve yet to see a referee changing his decision because of a ‘shouty’ parent (or coach for that matter) so it can’t be that. Does it make you feel better!!?!! I think that could be a big part of it. But it’s more important to think about, what are your kids learning from you if you shout at the ref?

Remember they are like sponges and are more than likely to copy what you do. “My dad does it, so it must be OK”. That it’s … OK to blame someone else when things go wrong, OK to become distracted by things you can’t control, OK to be disrespectful of people giving up their time to allow you to play, OK to let your emotions control your behaviours.

So, it’s a simple tip this month. Your kids are always watching you and learning from what you do, even when they are playing sport. So, don’t shout at the ref.

No more shattered dreams – how parents can help their kids ‘survive’ football academies

At certain times of the year you hear stories in the media about kid’s whose “dreams have been shattered” after being released from football academies. These stories are often accompanied by anguished comments from parents who want to know, “what are they going to do now?” And yet being released from academies has been part of football for years. So what can parents do to help?

Not an easy question to answer, but one thing parents can do is help keep their kids focused on the ‘right’ dream. If your son or daughters dream is to get a contract at a BIG club then that dream can all too easily be shattered by someone else, often without much justification – “sorry, we just don’t think they’ll make it”. The dream they are focused on is not within their control and any sense that this dream won’t become a reality can be very damaging to their self-esteem.

Instead, encourage them to ‘dream’ of being the best possible player they can be and help keep them focused on the things they need to do that will make that a reality – whatever football throws at them.

If they genuinely love playing football they will find places to play and train that will help them learn how to become the best they can be. This won’t mean they won’t be disappointed if they miss a great opportunity at a top academy. But it will help to keep them focused on what to do now rather dwelling on whether a decision was fair or not. Or worse still, giving up.

Dreams are much harder to shatter if they are in your control. Your job as a parent is to help keep them focused on ‘right’ dream.

I want to help my kids improve, but what can I do to help when they’re competing in sport?

Parents play a crucial role in supporting their kids learning by asking questions to encourage them to reflect on what just happened and what they can learn from it. To know what questions to ask you need to get good at watching them as they compete.

Two ideas to help you here. First, ask them beforehand what they’re going to focus on and then look out for that. My sons play football, so they might say, “winning headers in the box”.  Now I know what I need to look for and I have something specific to ask them after the game – “how did you feel your headers in the box went today?”

This keeps them focused on something they can control (rather than the score in the game) and encourages them to reflect and think about what they could do to improve – very important habits if they want to be successful.

Second, watch them and not the game or event. When I watch my boys play, I only watch what they do to help me shape the questions I will ask on the way home. This takes a bit of practise as I know it can be tempting to ‘follow the ball’. But if you really want to help your kids when they compete in sport, getting good at watching them as they compete is vital to success.

Why 3 simple questions can help you become a better coach

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not at all and 10 being extremely, how important is it in your role (as a manager, leader, parent, sports coach, volunteer etc) that you are good at coaching others? By this I mean helping them to grow the skills they need to keep improving. Do you have a number between 1 and 10? Good….Next question.

Again, on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being rubbish and 10 being world class, how good are you at coaching at the moment? If you’re like most of the people I work with, your second number will be lower than your first which is great news as you have identified an opportunity where you can improve in an important area.

Now question 3: how do you know how good you are? If coaching is important to you, and you don’t know how to measure if you’re any good or not, how will you know if what you’re doing to improve is working?